My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
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“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
reviewed some movies recently
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working