Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
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Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
Your water broke? Do I look like an idiot? You can’t “break” water…get back to work.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
That’s “MISTER your credit card is declined” thank you very much.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck