@JennyJohnsonHi5

My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.

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@Mom_Overboard

Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.

@DothTheDoth

Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.

@Bob_Janke

I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away

@alexlumaga

Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*

Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*

@DirtMcTurd

*kid finds Easter Basket

Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?

“What else you get?!”

A lasagna recipe..

“Great make dinner”

@imadepoopstoday

Your water broke? Do I look like an idiot? You can’t “break” water…get back to work.

@BoogTweets

Interviewer: who are these people with you?

Me: My squad.

My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.

@dshack8

6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?

@delusions_of

That’s “MISTER your credit card is declined” thank you very much.

@ArfMeasures

Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help

Me: I went to the park today

Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that

Me *opens coat* this duck