@SkippyMcGizzard

My stint as an interpretive dance crossing guard didn’t last very long.

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@gabbazaba

it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy

@KentWGraham

Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.

@Jarhead44

My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.

@TheRolo

*Rides unicorn to work*

*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*

*Chats with mermaids*

*Argues with Medusa*

*Gets called in to HR*

*Fails drug test*

@Super_Cynthia

[Commercial for hobbies]

Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.

“HOBBIES”

@Better_Clever

Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..

What the hell is wrong with you?!

@robfromonline

me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active

doctor: i don’t really need to

me: wait why

doctor:

me:

doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t

@Jake_Vig

The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.