My stint as an interpretive dance crossing guard didn’t last very long.

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it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy


Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.


My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.


*Rides unicorn to work*

*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*

*Chats with mermaids*

*Argues with Medusa*

*Gets called in to HR*

*Fails drug test*


[Commercial for hobbies]

Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.



Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..

What the hell is wrong with you?!


me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active

doctor: i don’t really need to

me: wait why



doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t


The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.