I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
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Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather