Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
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The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
cause of death:
autopsy.
looks legit
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
bias laundering edition
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.