Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. So I’m just going to send a pizza down to check it out.
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Lack of diversity in period pieces is wild. It’s as if black ppl were invented during slavery got discontinued then relaunched in the 60s.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
I hate girls who insert the phrase “my boyfriend” into every conversation. So does my boyfriend.
I paid 10.50 for a movie ticket to watch Tom Cruise die continuously for 2 hours. I would have paid a hundred dollars to watch that.
DUMBLEDORE: Say hello to our new Defense Against The Dark Arts teacher, Professor Totally-Not-Working-For-Voldemort.
SNAPE: Dude, seriously?
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!