@PurelyYours1

My stomach just made a really weird noise. So I’m just going to send a pizza down to check it out.

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@PhilLaysheO

Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.

Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.

@MatthewACherry

Lack of diversity in period pieces is wild. It’s as if black ppl were invented during slavery got discontinued then relaunched in the 60s.

@heatherlou_

Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.

@SkinnerSteven

🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!

– Bon Schröedi

@LadyofCinema

I hate girls who insert the phrase “my boyfriend” into every conversation. So does my boyfriend.

@shawn_spree

I paid 10.50 for a movie ticket to watch Tom Cruise die continuously for 2 hours. I would have paid a hundred dollars to watch that.

@jwoodham

DUMBLEDORE: Say hello to our new Defense Against The Dark Arts teacher, Professor Totally-Not-Working-For-Voldemort.
SNAPE: Dude, seriously?

@LackOfShame

I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.

@lemonmartinis

9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.

@AudreyPorne

I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!