*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
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Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks