I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
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*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom