My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
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It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
We decided to have money instead of children.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Some of y’all tomorrow …