My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
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What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
My work here is don’t.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
Message from the dog groomers
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
The funk soul brother
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY