@no_talent_shan

my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in

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@mommajessiec

8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?

Me: Is he the one with the PS4?

8: Yes.

Me: And motorized scooter?

8: Yes.

Me: And trampoline?

8: Can you drive me to his house?

@abuya_henry

Facebook post : only a heartless person could scroll pa

Me: *Scrolls Past *

@Mom_Overboard

What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?

Christopher Walken

@theconradical

Me: dear god. Please destroy ICE and Amazon

God: yo I gotchu

God: *melts ice caps and starts burning the rainforest*

Me: wait no

@dukelongboard

When I was 13 my dad gave me a bunch of socks n said “I heard u grunting in ur room last night, do it into these” So now I poop into socks

@flashember

[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people

@PastorBate

Restaurants drastically overestimate how much I care about which wood they smoke my bacon over.

@UncleDuke1969

HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”

@girlontapas

That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…

“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”

@deeeebag

I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.