my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
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*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
How do you milk an almond?
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot