my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
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My favorite animal is fried chicken.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn