@originaljrod
@DaddyJew
Cop: are there any drugs in the car?
Me: ha! I wish
Cop:..
Me: I mean, no
You Might Also Like
@DaddyJew
@huntigula
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
@JoParkerBear
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
@Thrill_Tweeter
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
@jenlaw_11
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
@KateFlood
twitter is a journey
@MandaPie1981
Having been married for awhile, I’m out of touch. Is it ok to date several guys or just one at a time? I asked my husband, he just got pissy
@xosm
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
@MUMSIEesq
*runs into coworker at store*
*pretends I don’t speak English*
@notalogin
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.