@originaljrod

My stupid belt shrunk again today.

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@DaddyJew

Cop: are there any drugs in the car?

Me: ha! I wish

Cop:..

Me: I mean, no

@huntigula

My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them

@JoParkerBear

They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.

@Thrill_Tweeter

People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?

@jenlaw_11

Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.

@MandaPie1981

Having been married for awhile, I’m out of touch. Is it ok to date several guys or just one at a time? I asked my husband, he just got pissy

@xosm

Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.

@MUMSIEesq

*runs into coworker at store*
*pretends I don’t speak English*

@notalogin

If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.