My stupid belt shrunk again today.

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officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*


I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!

It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.


“Say hello to my little friend” Great Movie Quote. Terrible bedroom talk.


I see your eyes lookin me up and down, baby. Mhmm.
Huh? Toilet paper hangin out of my pants?


When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time


I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.


I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.


I would like to thank Tetris for providing me w/ the skills to jam as many dishes as possible in my dishwasher.


Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.