My stupid belt shrunk again today.
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[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.