Cop: are there any drugs in the car?
Me: ha! I wish
Me: I mean, no
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
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My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
twitter is a journey
Having been married for awhile, I’m out of touch. Is it ok to date several guys or just one at a time? I asked my husband, he just got pissy
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
*runs into coworker at store*
*pretends I don’t speak English*
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.