@originaljrod

My stupid belt shrunk again today.

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@murrman5

officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*

@5hael

I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!

It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.

@CauseWereGuys

“Say hello to my little friend” Great Movie Quote. Terrible bedroom talk.

@JanieBoBanie3

I see your eyes lookin me up and down, baby. Mhmm.
Huh? Toilet paper hangin out of my pants?
Oh.

@J0hnnyBlaze

When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time

@alli_win

I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

@ericsshadow

I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.

@MensHumor

I would like to thank Tetris for providing me w/ the skills to jam as many dishes as possible in my dishwasher.

@runawaycupcake

Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.