My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
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Hit me in the face with a bird
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”