My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
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Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5