My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
You Might Also Like
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”