@josh___grant

My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.

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@OhNoSheTwitnt

(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.

@TheCatWhisprer

My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.

@CMGaldre

Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob bee

Mason bee: just make house
Me: build a way b

Honey bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortment

Bumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*

Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U

@Monicann86

*logs onto Facebook*

*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*

*logs off forever*

@BradBroaddus

Wife: I want to see some snow.

Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.

Wife: I’d rather see snow.

@mrsmith196645

I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.

@ndiquote

Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..

@House_Feminist

Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds