(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
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My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob bee
Mason bee: just make house
Me: build a way b
Honey bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortment
Bumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*
Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
My lighter has 2 options:
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.