My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
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Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
I am also baked goods
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history