My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
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Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.