Bat 1: do you think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
My suit made entirely of Hello Kitty Bandaids did not help me much at my hospital interview. Apparently you have to go to medical school.
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Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
I feel like I could give a great NBA locker room speech. “Guys, we’re all millionaires, none of this matters.”
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
Dracula had impeccable hair for a guy who couldn’t see himself in a mirror.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.