Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
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He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men