My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
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Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Autocorrect is my menesis
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
I love you…
…r dog.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.