My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
You Might Also Like
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
6: are snakes just neck?
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Lol.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
😲 WTF? 😆
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW