My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
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I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon