My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
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My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
no such thing as a dumb question
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241