age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
My super power is picking up all the laundry in one arm then bending over for 5 minutes picking up that one sock that keeps falling out.
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I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
my goth girlfriend says she likes me for who i am on the inside (a skeleton)
If you were my gf, I’d have a warm bath and a meal ready for when you got home every day
Her: I’m your wife
Like I said, if you were my gf
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
Maybe artists wouldn’t be so starving all the time if they’d just eat all that fruit they’re always painting.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
HER: let the turkey rest for a while before carving
ME: *turns off treadmill* take a break buddy