I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
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You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.