@underrateDad

My super power is picking up all the laundry in one arm then bending over for 5 minutes picking up that one sock that keeps falling out.

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@seethenare

age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”

@Love_bug1016

I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.

@hippieswordfish

my goth girlfriend says she likes me for who i am on the inside (a skeleton)

@mstern68

If you were my gf, I’d have a warm bath and a meal ready for when you got home every day

Her: I’m your wife

Like I said, if you were my gf

@BuckyIsotope

*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD

@SaraMansford

Maybe artists wouldn’t be so starving all the time if they’d just eat all that fruit they’re always painting.

@dance_blessed

“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou

@Chumpstring

[ER]

ME: [scared] well?

DOCTOR: ur ok

M: so it was just a dream

D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them

@sonictyrant

HER: let the turkey rest for a while before carving

ME: *turns off treadmill* take a break buddy