*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
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So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
The legends speak of a third Duran…
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that