My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
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Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.