Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
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GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Noah: How will the animals reproduce?
God: You took a male & female, right?
Noah: YOU SAID BRING 2 YOU DIDN’T SAY 1 OF EACH SEX
For every hour that passes without payment, I will teach another hostage “Wonderwall” on acoustic guitar and release him back to you
A recent study has found that woman who carry little extra weight live longer then the man who mention it
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.