My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
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It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!