My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
You Might Also Like
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.