My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
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Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
i wish all
whales
a very
big
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
My dress code is business-casualty.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one