My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
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Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Greeting humans vs their dogs
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
next level snooze
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.