if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
You Might Also Like
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
shut up and take my money
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.