Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
My superpower is getting behind the person who is obviously refinancing their mortgage at the ATM.
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ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
Omg, I’m a huge fan!
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
angel of God: mary u shall give birth to the son of God himself & he shall be named Jesus & shall die on a cross
mary: i have a boyfriend
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”