My superpower is getting behind the person who is obviously refinancing their mortgage at the ATM.

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Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!

Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!

Parents: lol no we meant a real job.


[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?


“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.


“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”


angel of God: mary u shall give birth to the son of God himself & he shall be named Jesus & shall die on a cross

mary: i have a boyfriend


Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.


me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.

them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”


Who is that walking up my driveway?!

Anxiety in 3…2…1…

[knock, knock]


“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”