I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
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Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
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Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?