My superpower is making red lights turn green simply by trying to write a tweet.

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Burgers, she wrote.

– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.


The real heroes are the people who live within driving distance of their in-laws.


Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting


[gets down on 1 knee with ring box]


Me: Babe?

GF: Yes?

Me: One ring to rule them all.

[I put on the ring and vanish forever]


I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.


I once ate a Milk-bone as a kid and was happy I didn’t die so I celebrated by eating five more.


If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.


[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass