@SocialustGal13

My superpower is making red lights turn green simply by trying to write a tweet.

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@bingowings14

Burgers, she wrote.

– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.

@farleftcoast

The real heroes are the people who live within driving distance of their in-laws.

@brendohare

Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting

@jake_likes_naps

[gets down on 1 knee with ring box]

GF: OMG!

Me: Babe?

GF: Yes?

Me: One ring to rule them all.

[I put on the ring and vanish forever]

@Bob_Janke

I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.

@poutinesmoothie

I once ate a Milk-bone as a kid and was happy I didn’t die so I celebrated by eating five more.

@weinerdog4life

If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.

@MarfSalvador

[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass