The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
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me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Noted.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.