[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
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Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
my first day as a raccoon
barbara was highly relatable
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.