*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
You Might Also Like
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood