3 y/o: I want a bagel
Me: We don’t have any
3 y/o: You’re a idiot
Me: How did you survive your abortion
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
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Everyone: I would like an outlet near my bed.
Hotels: Heres an iHome we bought when Bush was President.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster