My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
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I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.