My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
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O Wise One….
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…