My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.

You Might Also Like


You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.


Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.

Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ


The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.


I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.


If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.


*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*


It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.