Me: And what about this one?
Waiter: Sir, this is a seafood restaurant. We have many items that taste “fishy”.
My surname: ‘Ever.’ My given forename: ‘Superior’. Similar to a torn talofibular ligament, I am not one to be trifled with.
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[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
-Give it to me straight doc.
-You’ll never walk again.
-Now give it to me gay.
-You’ll never stroll merrily down the boardwalk again.
I just found out gorgonzola is a type of cheese, not a dinosaur. Needless to say, my gorgonzola salad was a huge let down.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
Keep your friends close, your enemies close, aliens not so close, ghosts close, snakes close, skeletons close, everything just in a big pile
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.