@ShakesREMIX

My surname: ‘Ever.’ My given forename: ‘Superior’. Similar to a torn talofibular ligament, I am not one to be trifled with.

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@gavinmind

Me: And what about this one?

Waiter: Sir, this is a seafood restaurant. We have many items that taste “fishy”.

@ericsshadow

[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]

“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”

@peeznuts

-Give it to me straight doc.
-You’ll never walk again.
-Now give it to me gay.
-You’ll never stroll merrily down the boardwalk again.

@joeljeffrey

I just found out gorgonzola is a type of cheese, not a dinosaur. Needless to say, my gorgonzola salad was a huge let down.

@pixelatedboat

Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop

@daemonic3

[operating room]

SURGEON: We’ve lost him

NURSE: Exact time of death?

GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm

@YWIR

Keep your friends close, your enemies close, aliens not so close, ghosts close, snakes close, skeletons close, everything just in a big pile

@lindsaymills

It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.

@AbbieEvansXO

Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH

Me: lmao go ahead I can take it

Townspeople: you have a dumb face

Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it

@cupcakelynda

Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.