You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
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Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.