@WilliamAder

My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.

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@junejuly12

Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?

Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.

No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!

[My dog watching me floss]

@mantej

In an alternate universe somewhere, all the ducks are making white girl faces.

@pinupteacher

My boss is basically Ursula from The Little Mermaid. Deceitful, selfish, conniving, wears too much make up, is an octopus.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing

me: oh *declines it* thank you

@skitzoette

How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?

Ask Hugh Hefner.

@trevso_electric

“Never Have I Ever” is a party game and fun way to find out who shouldn’t be donating blood.

@FrazzleMyGimp

FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.

ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.

FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.

ME: Milk.

@ChiChiGreenblat

I bought a pair of underwear today.

In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.

In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.

@Shade510

* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.

* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.