My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.

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Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?

Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.

No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!

[My dog watching me floss]


In an alternate universe somewhere, all the ducks are making white girl faces.


My boss is basically Ursula from The Little Mermaid. Deceitful, selfish, conniving, wears too much make up, is an octopus.


customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing

me: oh *declines it* thank you


How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?

Ask Hugh Hefner.


“Never Have I Ever” is a party game and fun way to find out who shouldn’t be donating blood.


FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.

ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.

FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.

ME: Milk.


I bought a pair of underwear today.

In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.

In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.


* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.

* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.