My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
You Might Also Like
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot