My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
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[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
The Wolf of Wall Street.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
the short answer to this question
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it