My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
You Might Also Like
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.