My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.

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My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.


If we all just agree that we’re fine, we’ll never again have to ask each other how we are.


Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.

Me: Secretly? No.


Chemists do tell jokes, but there’s no reaction because all their people skills Argon.

Omg, that’s Sodium funny, right? Na? Okay.


poor person eats crappy cheap food: YOU’RE UNHEALTHY & A STRAIN ON THE SYSTEM
poor person eats fresh fruit: THIS IS WHY YOU HAVE NO SAVINGS


*wakes up w/phone in hand*
Me:[texting] Sorry I fell asleep on ya last night
*text chime*
Couch: I’m like right here why are you texting me?


The new Batman is super realistic — he’s attracted to porch lights, makes your girlfriend scream and then the cat eats him