My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
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If we all just agree that we’re fine, we’ll never again have to ask each other how we are.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Chemists do tell jokes, but there’s no reaction because all their people skills Argon.
Omg, that’s Sodium funny, right? Na? Okay.
poor person eats crappy cheap food: YOU’RE UNHEALTHY & A STRAIN ON THE SYSTEM
poor person eats fresh fruit: THIS IS WHY YOU HAVE NO SAVINGS
*wakes up w/phone in hand*
Me:[texting] Sorry I fell asleep on ya last night
Couch: I’m like right here why are you texting me?
Everything is terrible but my son just texted me these beagulls.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
The new Batman is super realistic — he’s attracted to porch lights, makes your girlfriend scream and then the cat eats him