My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
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[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?