My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
You Might Also Like
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.