*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
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I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
back to work
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
So, I got banned from the toy store today…