is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
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Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE