*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
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*robbing a bank*
6-year-old: dad, take that stocking off. There’s only about 80 cents in this piggy bank.
My 8 yr old son just told me Nutella is a delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
He’s ready for Twitter.
The fourth largest religion.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
*accidentally digs 7 foot deep hole
I’ve made a grave mistake.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
me: we had a baby
friend: what was the weight?
me: about 9 months
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
How do I rate our solar system?