My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.

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*robbing a bank*
6-year-old: dad, take that stocking off. There’s only about 80 cents in this piggy bank.


My 8 yr old son just told me Nutella is a delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.

He’s ready for Twitter.


I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”


*accidentally digs 7 foot deep hole

I’ve made a grave mistake.


My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.


“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”