My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
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When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
You got this…
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*