Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
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I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
“Bro, if she can still walk to the kitchen to make you a sandwich, you did it wrong.” – murderers, apparently.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
People who say a child’s laughter is the best sound in the world have clearly never heard my dog eat a crouton.
Just when you think parenting can’t be any weirder, you find yourself consoling your son, upset that he can’t get a squirrel to hug him.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.