My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
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My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again