*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
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Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
I only look at Wordle for the articles
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.